textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
