can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
