Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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