I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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