im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
