saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
