Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
