Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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