Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
