You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
