Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so let's talk penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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