I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
