i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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