Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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