I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He felt like a one man threesome
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Panties = found
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
