So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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