ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
