Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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