I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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