I hate your face
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
