Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
