Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
