anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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