I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
