You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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