I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
