I showed him my bush... on skype.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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