what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
