So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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