I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
