im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
