you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
