maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
