Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
