I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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