The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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