i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
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He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual