God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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