my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.