yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
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I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?