It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
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I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml