i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
