Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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