Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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