Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Bang-toberfest begins!!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
