I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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