I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My ATM looks so different sober.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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