I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
