he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
