i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
