So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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