just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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