i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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