I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
