I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
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When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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