Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
