You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
