dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
