just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
